Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
