If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
