Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
