Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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