News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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