Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
