remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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