He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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