I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
