It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
