you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
