they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
