Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
