It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
