I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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