I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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