just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
