I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
