He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
