when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
