you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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