I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
