and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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