Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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