I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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