Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
