i jhust puked up my retainher.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
