Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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