i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
