I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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