He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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