Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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