he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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