shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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