You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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