i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
