I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
