the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
