i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
