I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
