Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
