plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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