after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
