just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
