it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
