opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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