oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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