P.S. I can't hear my feet
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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