There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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