Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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