apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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