I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
