Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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