The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
