Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
