at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
