New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
