I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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