this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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