just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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