When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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