so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
