Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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