The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
