He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
